Unnamed friend (you know who you are–thanks for being a consistent reader) you will know the things I’m talking about better than anyone else so sorry for how sappy this might get.
It has been so long. So so so long since I thought I loved someone romantically. Most days I’m totally fine and it doesn’t bother me because I’m a believer in waiting on God’s timing, but sometimes it can be really hard to see the beauty of being single. I mean for the sake of all that is good, do I really think I have the time to maintain a romantic relationship? One’s emotions are not always reasonable, unfortunately.
I see these people my age getting engaged or in relationships heading in that direction, people who are so in love, people who have this person that they trust with their whole heart and to lead them to Christ and who they can fall back on always. I am
almost always unbelievably excited for these people. Congrats to them for finding the person who is all the previously mentioned things for them. Sometimes though on top of that happiness for those couples I have a deep jealousy/sadness.
I haven’t had a romantic relationship in nearly 3 and a half years. I have been single since senior year of high school. Some days it does not feel like it’s been that long and some days it feels so much longer. Today is one of those days where I desperately want to be back in that last relationship (although it has occurred with other past boyfriends after seeing them) and I’m having to remind myself why we were not romantically compatible. I dated the guy twice, that’s probably enough times to know that it will not work out. He’s such a great guy and we’re still friends. Well, we were until the girlfriend he has currently, now I’m not so sure. Every time I see them together, I have mixed emotions because I think they are a poor match (nothing to do with wanting him back) and sometimes (rarely) because I miss being so close (girlfriend close) to him. Realistically, I just ache to be in love again…I say again, but when I look back on my high school relationships I don’t think I’ve actually been in love. I think I did love some of the boys that I dated but I don’t think I was in love with any of them. I think I was a bit lax about who I said “I love you” to in that stage of my life.
All of that being said, I know I should not wish away my single life because there are benefits to it, but I’m such a romantic. I say now that I wish a man would come along for me to love and that would be great except for the fact that it is my senior year of college. Maybe it’s not the best time for a relationship, but I was still sad when the only guy I’ve truly interested in (sadly, from a slight distance) walked by holding some other girl’s hand.
When it comes down to it, I’m nostalgic for what I thought at the time was love and it claws at my heart that I have not found love when people around me have found it. Tomorrow will be different I’m sure, but for today I’m feeling nostalgic for things of the past and hoping my future love will show up soon.
If you feel so inclined, please pray for my patience. Either way happy fall y’all!!